What's that coming over the hill, is it a monster? Kind of! It's Uncle Toby (and he's not even bothered to clean it up)

Why, who is this kindly old fellow with a peculiar dress sense and a keen desire to make youngsters happy. No! It’s not Sir Jimmy Saville, but good old Uncle Toby.

Just to clarify for those of you who have asked; no, Uncle Toby does not offer a range of rice or stir-in sauces. You're muddling him with Uncle Ben. Blimey, how could you get confused by that, they’re not even the same race for crying out loud! 

Anyway, let's get on board the Troubled Bus and steer it away from the Cliff of Despair and back towards the calm gentle waters of Solution Beach.

Today's first problem comes from Jen in 'The Independent Free State of Cornwall'. So, that's Cornwall then:

Dear Uncle Toby,

I'm 18 years old and have just moved away from home to start the next phase of my life at university. I come from a small village where everyone knows everybody else, so moving to a large city is really scary! My mum is naturally concerned about my welfare and has warned me in particular about a thing called 'date rape'. I didn't want to appear stupid or worry her by admitting I didn't know what that was - please could you explain? 

Jen xx
 
P.S. Thanks for your daily emails, inviting me to come to stay with you if I'm feeling lonely and vulnerable.

Hi Jen, you're welcome. I'm always here for you (unless you turn out to be a bit of a gargoyle - in which case, you're on your own).

Date rape is quite a sticky subject, but I'll do my best to handle it with my trademark tact and care.

What it basically consists of is getting the small, fleshy fruit of a palm tree and inserting it (or indeed several of them) into a lady's love passages, without their prior consent.

This is obviously a very invasive experience and most sadly of all, ruins what would otherwise be a perfectly good snack.

If you should be unfortunate enough to suffer with a date rape, be aware when cleaning out the debris that they do contain quite a large stone, so make sure you remove this before resuming normal activities down below.

Stay safe.

Onto our next correspondent, T from 'just over there':

Dear Uncle Toby,

Thanks so much for taking time out of your busy day to help us normal, troubled people with our crappy little problems.

Last week I tweeted a joke that contained the words 'whore' and 'slag'. Whilst I appreciate these are unpleasant ways to address ladies in the real world, I thought that on Twitter within the context that I used them, they wouldn't cause genuine offence. 

The joke was supposed to be on a man who would really use such words, and not intended to be derogatory in any way. Whilst many females found this funny in the way it was intended, alas some ladies didn't see it like that and took great offence, suggesting that I had committed a crime towards the female species that's the equivalent of directing racial abuse at ethnic minorities and that I had contributed to the oppression of women by using these terms. 

The intent behind these attempts at humour couldn't have been further away from the way they were interpreted by some and I regret having caused this upset. Some of my best friends are women. I'd be grateful for your thoughts on this thorny issue.

Thanks in advance for your limitless wisdom,
T x (that's a kiss by the way, and not my second initial as if my surname were Xavier or something).

Hi T, thanks for getting in touch. From the tone of your question, it seems obvious that you genuinely didn't mean to cause any harm. Unfortunately, getting the 'spirit' of a joke across in a tweet is extremely hard and is always open to misinterpretation.

It is really important that mankind offers nothing but absolute respect to females (or 'bitches' as they prefer to be called). Life gives them plenty to deal with after all, what with not only having to put up with periods and childbirth, but also cooking, cleaning, not watching football and having smaller brains.

If they want to dress like a prostitute, that's their choice and I for one, wouldn't try to stop them.

Finally tonight, here's one from thingy in somewhere or other:

Dear Uncle Toby,

I am a mid-twenties woman who suffers greatly from shyness and social anxiety. I don't know why, but people never seem to notice me and I often get ignored. Is there anyway I can overcome this and make more of an impact? It's such a relief to finally be able to share my problems with somebody like you who is such a great listener.

Many thanks,
Blahdy blah.

*checks watch*

*finishes sudoku*

And that's all we've got time for tonight folks! Remember to keep sending your problems in. No matter how big or small, I'm ready to help you (assuming I'm not prevented from doing so because of legal proceedings against me - so nothing involving small rodents, milk bottles or Vaseline just now thanks).

Problems be gone; it's Uncle Toby time!

Some heroes slip off into phone boxes to change into a bedazzling costume before helping to save the world. Not me though. Once again I'm donning my comfy knitwear with a vile pattern. I may not be able to fly, look through walls or dress myself without help, but that's not to say I'm no less capable of saving YOUR life.

That's right folks, tonight sees the return of Uncle Toby, ready to listen to YOUR problems and giving YOU sound and sensible advice to see YOU out of your hellish predicament. 

If your haven't experienced Uncle Toby before, you're probably either stupid or on the list of people I'm not allowed to be within 50m of. Check out some of his previous wisdom here..

Without further ado, here are today's problemees:

Nick from London writes:

Dear Uncle Toby,

Two and a half years ago, everything was going so well for me. I had enjoyed a meteoric rise in popularity, not long after having achieved the highest rank in my organisation. But almost overnight this came to an abrupt end.

I entered into a relationship with a guy named David because I thought it would help my career. Despite our very different backgrounds and some reservations, I thought that somehow it was the right thing to do. He promised me earth and said he was committed to being my partner for at least the next five years.

Despite bending over backwards to accommodate his needs (quite literally - he'd obviously learned a thing or two from his time at Eton), he soon changed from the man I thought I'd hooked up with.

Despite appearing as charming to the outside world, behind the doors of our London town house, he was a violent bully and would make me do things I had PLEDGED never to do.

I have lost all self respect and my popularity has never been so low. Please tell me what to do!

Thanks for getting in touch Nick.

Obviously you are in quite a predicament. It's not easy to know how to tell you this, but it's only fair that I be completely honest with you: you only have yourself to blame.

You danced with the devil and he rogered you violently from behind with his dirty great trident. That is a well known risk of dancing with a lord of darkness.

You've obviously hurt a lot of people and let your friends and supporters down badly. Will you ever recover from this? Possibly not. But you do have a chance to do the decent thing and apologise before walking away with your head held high (assuming you CAN still walk after all that time on your knees).

Just one final tip - issue the apology in the form of a letter. If you upload it as a video to YouTube, it could be edited into a song and then no one will be able to take it seriously.

Okay, here's the next troubled soul, Justin from Bristol:

Alright? So I was with this woman right. And to begin with everything was all a-maze-in and good times, but then she started flippin out cos I wanted her to write down every luvver she'd ever had in a note book. When she never did, I pushed her in front of a car, AS A JOKE, but she takes it all serious like and gets the police involved. Now I'm in court and being charged with assault and that. What should I do?

Thanks Justin. Hmm, well, as this is in the hands of the court, I have to be very careful what I say.

It sounds to me like you may be suffering with VSMS or 'very strange man syndrome' as it is properly known. Symptoms include excessive hair growth (on both the head and face) and the continued use of a very strong regional accent, even though you've not lived in your place of birth for many years. Some scientists have suggested that the condition is exacerbated by spending too much time with bespectacled gay men, but these studies have yet to be substantiated.

There is no known cure at this time, but symptoms can be reduced by getting a smart hair cut, talking properly and not pushing your loved ones into traffic.

If that fails, then the only other way out is a late night walk along Clifton suspension bridge at high tide.

Good luck!

And finally tonight, here's one from K in Inverness:

Dear Uncle Toby,

I find myself getting angry and aggressive towards people for no real reason. I always regret doing it, but can't seem to control myself much of the time. Everything starts off fine but soon I lose my patience and JUST FUCKING ANSWER ME ALREADY WILL YOU?

Hi K, thanks for your email.

Okay, I sense there is tension and anger deep inside you. You need to try to get to the bottom of what has caused this. Be kind to yourself and let it bubble to the surface in a gentle and non judgmental way. Oh and a rollicking great orgasm would help too, but you're probably frigid.


And that's it for this evening folks. Remember, you can always email me your problems, no matter how big or small. As you can see, I will handle them delicacy and care.

Dear Uncle Toby...

Hi guys,

I’d like you to take a minute to picture the scene.

I’m sat in an armchair next to a log fire (obviously in a room in a house and everything, not just randomly outside).

I’m wearing a knitted sweater with a lovely (or ‘ghastly’ as the non visually impaired among you might say) pattern on it and corduroy trousers. In my hand I have a notebook and on my face is a caring and empathetic expression that says I’m ready to listen to you [points at you].

Oh look, opposite me is a really comfortable sofa. Between us is small table with tea (or coffee or hot chocolate or warmed Vimto or whatever your favourite comforting beverage is) and biscuits on.

The person you're visualising right now is me, Agony Uncle Toby and you are here in my Cosy Safe Space where you are free to express yourself anonymously and without judgment. Come and have a sit down and a drink and tell me all of your problems.

Whether you choose to listen to my advice is up to you, but to be honest, you’d be a fool not to. And frankly, you’d also be downright rude after taking up my time like that and scoffing all of my biscuits.

So just relax, get it all off your chest and then do whatever I say.

Tonight’s first request for help comes from ‘L’ in Middle Earth:

Dear Uncle Toby,

I have a ring dilemma. Not as bad as those crazy kids in Mordor but when my ex and I split up we gave everything back to each other including gifts.  One of the items he returned was a ring I'd bought him for our first anniversary. I've kept it and he now wants it back.  Should I keep it or return it?

Please help me because you’re awesome,
Love L xx

Well L, this is a tricky one. One of the main reasons it is so difficult is because you’ve mentioned the word ‘ring’. In order to retain my professional integrity, I’m going to have to refrain from making any jokes about bums here and, to be completely open with you about this, I find that really hard.

Anally way Anyway, you had a very clear agreement where you returned all of your gifts back to one another. Why do you think it is that he’s suddenly changed his mind about this?

Is it because he has met someone else and wants to give them a present but is just too tight to buy one properly?

Is it because he’s been seduced by a Cash 4 Gold advert?

Or is it because he’s had a change of heart and wants to get back together with you?

Freud would tell us that, despite having become synonymous with the anus, the ring is actually a symbol of the vagina. He wants that ring back. YOUR ring back. And he wants to slip it on his finger. His FINGER!

Are you getting where I’m going with this?

Basically, if you give the ring back, you might as well bend over (or lie back with your legs open - whatever you prefer) and say, “yoo hoo, come and get it big boy”.

Agree to his demand and you will be giving back far more than a shaped-metal fanny symbol.

I suspect this news will either thoroughly delight or repulse you, depending on your view.

Personally I’d tell him to go screw himself. And, because the ring is obviously cursed, you’d best send it to me so I can dispose of it safely. *checks latest price of gold*

Okay, onto the next one:

Jordan from Jordan writes:

Dear Uncle Toby,

I’ve been going out with my beautiful girlfriend for almost a year. To celebrate this, she wants us to get matching tattoos. I do love her, but we’re both still very young. To be completely honest, I'm afraid of commitment and I'm genuinely terrified about getting such a permanent statement of my affection for her. I’m desperate not to lose her and yet somehow this doesn’t feel at all right. Please help me!

Awesome blog by the way,
Jordan.

Thanks Jordan, yeah it’s great, isn’t it.

Now it’s clear that you’ve got hung up on the ‘T’ word. You seem to be equating a tattoo with an engagement ring and in reality, they’re not at all the same. Who can say how your relationship will work out, but it sounds like you’re definitely very fond of her, so maybe after 12 months together, having something like this done would be good for you as well as her.

The key is to completely re-frame the proposition in your mind. Don't think of it as a 'tattoo'. Instead, think of it as a 'golden ticket to a thousand blow jobs'.

Every time you fancy it from now on, even when your girlfriend has a headache or is in that mood that is so bad it makes her bleed, just tap the tattoo and she'll have to consent to whatever you want (and yes, it does cover even that).

If at the end of the day it doesn't work out, tattoos are easily removed with laser guns. Honestly mate, this is priceless, you can't lose.

Okay, time for just one last cry for help in tonight’s episode...

G from ‘close by’ asks:

Dear Uncle Toby,

I’m really concerned that my son is becoming increasingly withdrawn. He doesn’t have a girlfriend and hardly ever even goes out. He’s 38 and by now I had hoped to have some grandchildren, but all he ever does is ‘blog’ or draw pictures on his computer. I suspect these are just cover stories and he’s actually masturbating over pictures of goats. Please advise.

Great blog and pictures by the way, oh and your tea's nearly ready.
Love G xx

Well G, you made some life big life choices when you decided to keep this one and not offer him up for adoption. Maybe if you put in a little bit of effort to try and understand why he is like he is, you wouldn’t be quite so hard on him all of the time.

As with any relationship, communication is the key. But in this case, ultimately, I blame the parents.


So there we are folks, I hope you’ve found some of this helpful. If nothing else, I think we’ve learned that a problem shared with me is a problem that has been told to "jog on matey, because I've just got my life back".

If you’d like to have any of your problems totally solved, just email me and I’ll include them in a future post.

Thanks for tuning in and remember, don’t have nightmares. But if you do, share them with me, because I also know what your dreams mean.