Problems be gone; it's Uncle Toby time!

Some heroes slip off into phone boxes to change into a bedazzling costume before helping to save the world. Not me though. Once again I'm donning my comfy knitwear with a vile pattern. I may not be able to fly, look through walls or dress myself without help, but that's not to say I'm no less capable of saving YOUR life.

That's right folks, tonight sees the return of Uncle Toby, ready to listen to YOUR problems and giving YOU sound and sensible advice to see YOU out of your hellish predicament. 

If your haven't experienced Uncle Toby before, you're probably either stupid or on the list of people I'm not allowed to be within 50m of. Check out some of his previous wisdom here..

Without further ado, here are today's problemees:

Nick from London writes:

Dear Uncle Toby,

Two and a half years ago, everything was going so well for me. I had enjoyed a meteoric rise in popularity, not long after having achieved the highest rank in my organisation. But almost overnight this came to an abrupt end.

I entered into a relationship with a guy named David because I thought it would help my career. Despite our very different backgrounds and some reservations, I thought that somehow it was the right thing to do. He promised me earth and said he was committed to being my partner for at least the next five years.

Despite bending over backwards to accommodate his needs (quite literally - he'd obviously learned a thing or two from his time at Eton), he soon changed from the man I thought I'd hooked up with.

Despite appearing as charming to the outside world, behind the doors of our London town house, he was a violent bully and would make me do things I had PLEDGED never to do.

I have lost all self respect and my popularity has never been so low. Please tell me what to do!

Thanks for getting in touch Nick.

Obviously you are in quite a predicament. It's not easy to know how to tell you this, but it's only fair that I be completely honest with you: you only have yourself to blame.

You danced with the devil and he rogered you violently from behind with his dirty great trident. That is a well known risk of dancing with a lord of darkness.

You've obviously hurt a lot of people and let your friends and supporters down badly. Will you ever recover from this? Possibly not. But you do have a chance to do the decent thing and apologise before walking away with your head held high (assuming you CAN still walk after all that time on your knees).

Just one final tip - issue the apology in the form of a letter. If you upload it as a video to YouTube, it could be edited into a song and then no one will be able to take it seriously.

Okay, here's the next troubled soul, Justin from Bristol:

Alright? So I was with this woman right. And to begin with everything was all a-maze-in and good times, but then she started flippin out cos I wanted her to write down every luvver she'd ever had in a note book. When she never did, I pushed her in front of a car, AS A JOKE, but she takes it all serious like and gets the police involved. Now I'm in court and being charged with assault and that. What should I do?

Thanks Justin. Hmm, well, as this is in the hands of the court, I have to be very careful what I say.

It sounds to me like you may be suffering with VSMS or 'very strange man syndrome' as it is properly known. Symptoms include excessive hair growth (on both the head and face) and the continued use of a very strong regional accent, even though you've not lived in your place of birth for many years. Some scientists have suggested that the condition is exacerbated by spending too much time with bespectacled gay men, but these studies have yet to be substantiated.

There is no known cure at this time, but symptoms can be reduced by getting a smart hair cut, talking properly and not pushing your loved ones into traffic.

If that fails, then the only other way out is a late night walk along Clifton suspension bridge at high tide.

Good luck!

And finally tonight, here's one from K in Inverness:

Dear Uncle Toby,

I find myself getting angry and aggressive towards people for no real reason. I always regret doing it, but can't seem to control myself much of the time. Everything starts off fine but soon I lose my patience and JUST FUCKING ANSWER ME ALREADY WILL YOU?

Hi K, thanks for your email.

Okay, I sense there is tension and anger deep inside you. You need to try to get to the bottom of what has caused this. Be kind to yourself and let it bubble to the surface in a gentle and non judgmental way. Oh and a rollicking great orgasm would help too, but you're probably frigid.


And that's it for this evening folks. Remember, you can always email me your problems, no matter how big or small. As you can see, I will handle them delicacy and care.