Dear Uncle Toby...

Hi guys,

I’d like you to take a minute to picture the scene.

I’m sat in an armchair next to a log fire (obviously in a room in a house and everything, not just randomly outside).

I’m wearing a knitted sweater with a lovely (or ‘ghastly’ as the non visually impaired among you might say) pattern on it and corduroy trousers. In my hand I have a notebook and on my face is a caring and empathetic expression that says I’m ready to listen to you [points at you].

Oh look, opposite me is a really comfortable sofa. Between us is small table with tea (or coffee or hot chocolate or warmed Vimto or whatever your favourite comforting beverage is) and biscuits on.

The person you're visualising right now is me, Agony Uncle Toby and you are here in my Cosy Safe Space where you are free to express yourself anonymously and without judgment. Come and have a sit down and a drink and tell me all of your problems.

Whether you choose to listen to my advice is up to you, but to be honest, you’d be a fool not to. And frankly, you’d also be downright rude after taking up my time like that and scoffing all of my biscuits.

So just relax, get it all off your chest and then do whatever I say.

Tonight’s first request for help comes from ‘L’ in Middle Earth:

Dear Uncle Toby,

I have a ring dilemma. Not as bad as those crazy kids in Mordor but when my ex and I split up we gave everything back to each other including gifts.  One of the items he returned was a ring I'd bought him for our first anniversary. I've kept it and he now wants it back.  Should I keep it or return it?

Please help me because you’re awesome,
Love L xx

Well L, this is a tricky one. One of the main reasons it is so difficult is because you’ve mentioned the word ‘ring’. In order to retain my professional integrity, I’m going to have to refrain from making any jokes about bums here and, to be completely open with you about this, I find that really hard.

Anally way Anyway, you had a very clear agreement where you returned all of your gifts back to one another. Why do you think it is that he’s suddenly changed his mind about this?

Is it because he has met someone else and wants to give them a present but is just too tight to buy one properly?

Is it because he’s been seduced by a Cash 4 Gold advert?

Or is it because he’s had a change of heart and wants to get back together with you?

Freud would tell us that, despite having become synonymous with the anus, the ring is actually a symbol of the vagina. He wants that ring back. YOUR ring back. And he wants to slip it on his finger. His FINGER!

Are you getting where I’m going with this?

Basically, if you give the ring back, you might as well bend over (or lie back with your legs open - whatever you prefer) and say, “yoo hoo, come and get it big boy”.

Agree to his demand and you will be giving back far more than a shaped-metal fanny symbol.

I suspect this news will either thoroughly delight or repulse you, depending on your view.

Personally I’d tell him to go screw himself. And, because the ring is obviously cursed, you’d best send it to me so I can dispose of it safely. *checks latest price of gold*

Okay, onto the next one:

Jordan from Jordan writes:

Dear Uncle Toby,

I’ve been going out with my beautiful girlfriend for almost a year. To celebrate this, she wants us to get matching tattoos. I do love her, but we’re both still very young. To be completely honest, I'm afraid of commitment and I'm genuinely terrified about getting such a permanent statement of my affection for her. I’m desperate not to lose her and yet somehow this doesn’t feel at all right. Please help me!

Awesome blog by the way,
Jordan.

Thanks Jordan, yeah it’s great, isn’t it.

Now it’s clear that you’ve got hung up on the ‘T’ word. You seem to be equating a tattoo with an engagement ring and in reality, they’re not at all the same. Who can say how your relationship will work out, but it sounds like you’re definitely very fond of her, so maybe after 12 months together, having something like this done would be good for you as well as her.

The key is to completely re-frame the proposition in your mind. Don't think of it as a 'tattoo'. Instead, think of it as a 'golden ticket to a thousand blow jobs'.

Every time you fancy it from now on, even when your girlfriend has a headache or is in that mood that is so bad it makes her bleed, just tap the tattoo and she'll have to consent to whatever you want (and yes, it does cover even that).

If at the end of the day it doesn't work out, tattoos are easily removed with laser guns. Honestly mate, this is priceless, you can't lose.

Okay, time for just one last cry for help in tonight’s episode...

G from ‘close by’ asks:

Dear Uncle Toby,

I’m really concerned that my son is becoming increasingly withdrawn. He doesn’t have a girlfriend and hardly ever even goes out. He’s 38 and by now I had hoped to have some grandchildren, but all he ever does is ‘blog’ or draw pictures on his computer. I suspect these are just cover stories and he’s actually masturbating over pictures of goats. Please advise.

Great blog and pictures by the way, oh and your tea's nearly ready.
Love G xx

Well G, you made some life big life choices when you decided to keep this one and not offer him up for adoption. Maybe if you put in a little bit of effort to try and understand why he is like he is, you wouldn’t be quite so hard on him all of the time.

As with any relationship, communication is the key. But in this case, ultimately, I blame the parents.


So there we are folks, I hope you’ve found some of this helpful. If nothing else, I think we’ve learned that a problem shared with me is a problem that has been told to "jog on matey, because I've just got my life back".

If you’d like to have any of your problems totally solved, just email me and I’ll include them in a future post.

Thanks for tuning in and remember, don’t have nightmares. But if you do, share them with me, because I also know what your dreams mean.