One time, a reporter asked one of his players called Shola Ameobi, what Sir Bobby called him - an interesting question to address to someone with an unusual name given Sir Bobby's propensity for mispronouncing them. Ameobi's slightly sheepish reply was "Carl Cort" (another player from his squad).
I often feel that I myself suffer from a bit of Bobby Robson Name Syndrome. It usually takes a good half dozen encounters before I get it fixed in my head what to call someone. By the end of a phone conversation, I've often forgotten who it is I'm talking to. If you're called Rachael, it's highly probably I'll call you Rebeca and vice versa. It's nothing personal of course, just that my brain doesn't seem to be wired up correctly in the naming department.
It's bad enough in the real world, but social media has opened up a whole new area of confusion for me. I love using Twitter, but sometimes find it all a bit overwhelming. Every few seconds a new message will crop up in my timeline and it can be really hard to keep track of what's going on. I follow over 2000 people, which added to the fact that I'm a bit slow and forgetful anyway, makes it nearly impossible to remember who everyone is.
Unlike on Facebook where I tend to actually know the majority of my friends there (although 'friends' is pushing it a bit - it’s more people that I just can't seem to shake off), most of my Twitter followers are, or at least start off as, total strangers. So I haven't even got past shared experiences to help jog my memory of who is who.
Added to this, people are also prone to regularly change their profile pictures and, in some cases, even their usernames. This often throws me completely and I'll end up trying to carrying on a conversation with someone that I've never spoken to before.
So what does a feeble minded man do to try and navigate this minefield in order to avoid making 'beaucoup de name related faux pas?'
Twitter nicknames of course! Or ‘Twicknames’ as they shall be known because it is Twitter law to prefix anything Twitter related with a ‘t’ and a ‘w’ (let’s hope there is never a Twitter hat project).
To explain: there are certain people on Twitter who I end up giving my own little name or more accurately, description to. I find this helps me keep track much more easily than relying on usernames and photos alone. This isn't something I've done deliberately, just something that over time, my mind conjured up all by itself to help me out.
So I thought it might be fun to list a few of them here. Maybe you'll recognise yourself or someone else! But don't bother to ask me as I'm not going to identify who any of them are - that's just between me and my brain.
I apologise in advance if this makes anyone feel paranoid, but your mental well being is not as important as my fun and games, so stop reading if you think you could get huffy. The chances are you're not in the list (but don't get huffy if you think I've missed you out either).
Some Twicknames / Twescriptions
The one with the face like a Victorian doll - she's pretty but her face does look like it could be made of porcelain. Suspect her eyes shut automatically when you tip her backwards and she only comes to life at night, having spent the day on an old lady's bedside shelf.
The one who looks like she'd smell of cheese - hard to put your finger on why you think someone might smell of cheese, but she does look a bit whiffy. Quite greasy hair and wears the kind of clothes that look like they could well have Edam rind in the pockets.
The one whose cheeks I want to pinch - she has such a lovely, smiley face, kind of like a giant baby. If I knew her in real life, I wouldn't be able to resist tweaking her cheeks every time I saw her and would probably consequently be up on assault charges.
The one who's well meaning but stupid - thick but smiles a lot.
The one everyone else seems to find funny, but I think is a dick - honestly can't see his appeal. Painfully unfunny tweets, but everyone seems to love him. Suspect he's actually a bot and part of some kind of Twitter experiment to prove that most people are stupid.
The one who doesn't have a clue how beautiful she is - so many girls on Twitter seem to think they're inadequate in some way. Our current culture appears to have skewed what people regard as pretty or beautiful and this saddens me. This one especially has no need to feel anything but pride in her appearance. Could just be an attention seeker though.
The one who knows full well how beautiful she is - if you've got it, flaunt it I guess. Suspect she ALWAYS gets her own way.
The one who thinks she's way more beautiful than she really is - oh lordy, what are you doing? And never, ever post pictures like that again. Please never breed.
The one who looks beautiful in her thumbnail avi, but a right state when you see it full size - so deceptive, as illustrated by the example below:
The one who takes the most dreadful photos ever - oh they're just horrid. I'm all for people following & sharing a passion, but not if it makes my eyes bleed.
The one who comes across as very bigoted - looks like a pig too, so yes, naturally enough I call them 'pigot'.
The one who only seems to tweet me back once a month - Oi! I thought we were having a conversation! But no. Suspect they're on some kind of pay-as-you-go twitter scheme where each tweet costs them money, or a beloved pet.
The one who always seems to retweet my tweets - most likely my mum.
The one who is fat, bald, four-eyed and likes the sound the sound of his own tweets - actually a pretty amazing guy who writes a wonderful blog. Small penis.
So there we are. Ring any bells? Suspect you may recognise some of the characteristics from your own timeline as I’m sure many of these traits are quite common in Twitter land.
New ones of these keep cropping up, so suspect I may well do a follow up post at some point in the future.
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