Why, who is this kindly old fellow with a peculiar dress sense and a keen desire to make youngsters happy. No! It’s not Sir Jimmy Saville, but good old Uncle Toby.
Just to clarify for those of you who have asked; no, Uncle Toby does not offer a range of rice or stir-in sauces. You're muddling him with Uncle Ben. Blimey, how could you get confused by that, they’re not even the same race for crying out loud!
Anyway, let's get on board the Troubled Bus and steer it away from the Cliff of Despair and back towards the calm gentle waters of Solution Beach.
Today's first problem comes from Jen in 'The Independent Free State of Cornwall'. So, that's Cornwall then:
Dear Uncle Toby,
I'm 18 years old and have just moved away from home to start the next phase of my life at university. I come from a small village where everyone knows everybody else, so moving to a large city is really scary! My mum is naturally concerned about my welfare and has warned me in particular about a thing called 'date rape'. I didn't want to appear stupid or worry her by admitting I didn't know what that was - please could you explain?
Jen xx
P.S. Thanks for your daily emails, inviting me to come to stay with you if I'm feeling lonely and vulnerable.
Hi Jen, you're welcome. I'm always here for you (unless you turn out to be a bit of a gargoyle - in which case, you're on your own).
Date rape is quite a sticky subject, but I'll do my best to handle it with my trademark tact and care.
What it basically consists of is getting the small, fleshy fruit of a palm tree and inserting it (or indeed several of them) into a lady's love passages, without their prior consent.
This is obviously a very invasive experience and most sadly of all, ruins what would otherwise be a perfectly good snack.
If you should be unfortunate enough to suffer with a date rape, be aware when cleaning out the debris that they do contain quite a large stone, so make sure you remove this before resuming normal activities down below.
Stay safe.
Onto our next correspondent, T from 'just over there':
Dear Uncle Toby,
Thanks so much for taking time out of your busy day to help us normal, troubled people with our crappy little problems.
Last week I tweeted a joke that contained the words 'whore' and 'slag'. Whilst I appreciate these are unpleasant ways to address ladies in the real world, I thought that on Twitter within the context that I used them, they wouldn't cause genuine offence.
The joke was supposed to be on a man who would really use such words, and not intended to be derogatory in any way. Whilst many females found this funny in the way it was intended, alas some ladies didn't see it like that and took great offence, suggesting that I had committed a crime towards the female species that's the equivalent of directing racial abuse at ethnic minorities and that I had contributed to the oppression of women by using these terms.
The intent behind these attempts at humour couldn't have been further away from the way they were interpreted by some and I regret having caused this upset. Some of my best friends are women. I'd be grateful for your thoughts on this thorny issue.
Thanks in advance for your limitless wisdom,
T x (that's a kiss by the way, and not my second initial as if my surname were Xavier or something).
Hi T, thanks for getting in touch. From the tone of your question, it seems obvious that you genuinely didn't mean to cause any harm. Unfortunately, getting the 'spirit' of a joke across in a tweet is extremely hard and is always open to misinterpretation.
It is really important that mankind offers nothing but absolute respect to females (or 'bitches' as they prefer to be called). Life gives them plenty to deal with after all, what with not only having to put up with periods and childbirth, but also cooking, cleaning, not watching football and having smaller brains.
If they want to dress like a prostitute, that's their choice and I for one, wouldn't try to stop them.
Finally tonight, here's one from thingy in somewhere or other:
Dear Uncle Toby,
I am a mid-twenties woman who suffers greatly from shyness and social anxiety. I don't know why, but people never seem to notice me and I often get ignored. Is there anyway I can overcome this and make more of an impact? It's such a relief to finally be able to share my problems with somebody like you who is such a great listener.
Many thanks,
Blahdy blah.
*checks watch*
*finishes sudoku*
And that's all we've got time for tonight folks! Remember to keep sending your problems in. No matter how big or small, I'm ready to help you (assuming I'm not prevented from doing so because of legal proceedings against me - so nothing involving small rodents, milk bottles or Vaseline just now thanks).
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