Video killed the radio star (and nearly me as well).

Okay, so it turns out that beard aside, Steven Spielberg and I have very little in common. I have created a video that I'm more ashamed of than Paris Hilton's parents would have been of her infamous taped collection of private moments (and not just because it reminds me that the rest of the world hears not my voice, but that of a slow farmer on drugs).

In my defence, it was my very first time and I was plagued with technical difficulties, but my dreams of making it big in Hollywood (California, not the one in Worcestershire - I could probably still hit some heights there) are in tatters.

The reason I was messing around with a video in the first place was to try and establish a clear winner of my Mo Farah portrait. Rather than pick a name out of the hat or toss a coin, I thought it would be a marvellous idea to ask people who I meet throughout the day a simple question - Geraldine or Kevin? Whoever got the most votes would win!

So I collected around four minutes of footage that I thought I could stitch together and hopefully edit into an amusing montage that would probably become a massive viral hit on YouTube.

Now as we've discovered, I have no idea what I'm doing, but not for the first time in my life thought 'how hard can it be?'. Only to discover that actually, it's really effing hard. It didn't help that the people I was working with were clearly not professional actors. If they'd been a little bit more 'with it', perhaps I would have stood a better chance and I'd be eyeing up a little place in Beverly Hills by now. You know what? Now I’ve started blaming other people, everything is beginning to make more sense.

After spending several hours trying to find a way of transferring the videos from my Android phone to my iMac computer, I thought I was ready to polish this little collection of video turds into one slightly more glittery one. Clever editing would surely save the day!

But alas, despite working without problems on my phone, once transferred to my computer the audio had changed from people talking to the sound of a thousand howling bees. I started to attempt to find some answers on Google, only to find a nice residential course on bee keeping in Swansea and an article on the decline of the howler monkey.

So, any editing would have to be done in-phone. After pottering around the app store for a while (and downloading some updates to my strip-poker games) I discovered an app called 'Magisto'. This appeared to solve all my problems as it offered a fully automatic editing service. All you have to do is choose your videos and a soundtrack and their advanced Artificial Intelligence would do the rest! Perfect I thought!

The example video on their website turned a collection of snowboarding clips into an amazingly slick movie that guys with shoulder length blonde hair and goatee beards would have described as ‘totally rad’.

However in reality, it turned out that the ‘Artificial’ was a little more dominant than the ‘Intelligence’. Admittedly it was a ridiculously simple process to instigate. After giving it the film clips and music, it popped off for 20 minutes or so to do its thing. I was really hoping that it genuinely was happening automatically and hadn’t been emailed to a poor guy in a Korean sweat shop who was getting paid tuppence an hour to knock out a nicely edited result.

It was with great anticipation that I viewed the final result. If this had have been edited by the enslaved Korean guy, I would have wanted my tuppence back and him put on double shifts with half rations. It had handily managed to edit out all reference to Kevin or Geraldine. What’s left is jumbled nonsense which, whilst it probably reflects what’s going on in my head, doesn’t help answer the winner of the competition. To top it all off, I forget to put a question mark at the end of the title name which annoys me every time I see it.

Get the popcorn laced with cyanide and check it out yourself!

So, you’ll just have to trust me when I tell you that, thanks to Keira Husky from my earlier post changing her mind in dramatic fashion at the very last second, we have a draw! Yes I know I should have asked an odd number of people to make sure a draw wasn't possible, but honestly I’ve had it up to my tits now so that's not going to happen.

The easiest, most practical solution is to share the picture. So, if Geraldine and Kevin could just let me know your age, smoker status, lifestyle and any dangerous hobbies, I’ll have an actuary work out who should get the picture first and for how long.

Only joking of course - there's no way I’m going to put myself through the hell of talking to an actuary! Congratulations both - you’ll get a picture each. Just DM me your addresses on Twitter and I’ll get everything sorted next week.

And if anyone wants to tell me that, in hindsight, it would have been simpler to have just done that anyway, wow thanks! I never realised! Here’s my open wound and over there is a bag of salt - you know what to do.

Having said that, I’ll probably have forgotten this in a few days and will try to make another crazy film, so please rub that salt in really hard.