So I’ve decided to apply to be Pope (or is it just ‘pope’ with a little p? Actually, probably quite a lot of p, as he is quite old now - those white robes are very unforgiving). Here is my letter of application:
“Dear Vatican Overlords,
I notice that a vacancy has arisen for the role of pope. I imagine there’s a grander, more formal title attached to the position than just ‘pope’, but let’s not get bogged down in any detail right now. Oh okay then, let’s compromise and settle on ‘Mr Pope’ so as to not to appear disrespectful.
Anyway, I would like to apply for said vacancy. I feel I have many skills to bring to this role and believe I’m exactly what you’re looking for.
Firstly though, let’s clear up one important point up right away; I’m not a Roman Catholic or even a Christian. But does that really matter? Does the Chief Executive of Pedigree Chum eat dog food? Well, given the recent horse meat scandal he possibly does, but that’s only coincidental. A bit like when I bless someone after they have sneezed.
I feel what’s more important is that I have a good heart. Most of my friends will agree with this (references available). Although not all of them perhaps, but then, who would they have to forgive if I wasn’t mean to them? I’m actually giving them an opportunity to be nice and kind, like Jesus was.
Unlike the present incumbent, I’ve never been a Nazi. But I have played as them in some of the older Call of Duty online games, so I have a broad understanding of their values and practices.
Although I’ve never swung any incense around, I have experimented with joss sticks in my time (but I swear I didn’t inhale).
If I were to be successful in the role, I would have to stipulate just a few conditions before accepting:
1. I usually enjoy a nice lie in on a Sunday morning. Sunday is a day of rest, so all services will now be carried out on a Wednesday (I need Monday and Tuesday to get over the weekend)
2. I’m not a fan of wine in any way, so Holy Communion will now have the option of Guinness being served instead. The little wafer things aren’t that tasty either, so they will be replaced with Hob-Nobs.
3. The pointy hat looks a bit stupid, so I will continue to wear one ONLY if a law is passed that EVERYONE else also has to wear one. All the time. Same goes for the dress.
4. The whole kissing of the ring thing is a bit weird, so that will be replaced with just a handshake.
5. Oh and no more interfering with kids. And we must become an Equal Opportunities employer. And promote contraception to halt the spread of AIDS and stuff. Basically let’s get with the game, and clean up all the shit in our own house before preaching to others.
If after considering my application, you feel that I am the right man for the job, please bear in mind that I have to give one month’s notice to my current employer and would prefer to work from home when possible.
I look forward to hearing from you.
I know you get to choose a new official name when you become Mr Pope - I would like to be “Honor Rope”.
Thanking you in advance,
Pope Honor Rope I”