Right or Wrong Guard?

Today I did quite a dangerous thing. Usually I’m not so reckless, but for some reason - maybe because it was Monday morning and I just needed a thrill, or maybe it’s a time of life thing - I took a massive gamble that could have proved fatal. I wore a brand new deodorant without having tested it first.

So maybe not actually fatal then (although I suppose a severe allergic reaction is always possible), but come on, you’ve got to admit, it is pretty risky. I didn’t even do a spray test to get a sense of the fragrance before wearing it. I just shook it up, held my breath and gave myself a hefty dose under each arm.

Usually I’d have carried out stringent tests in safe, well ventilated conditions, well away from real people that I have to interact with.

Aside from the obvious criteria like smell and effectiveness, I’d have been checking that it didn’t make it feel like my armpits were actually on fire just after using it (something that happened with a citrus flavoured can of Lynx I once had for Christmas - luckily the actual flames soon died down and it just caused me to itch under each arm all day, like a fragrant monkey).

Having worn it during real-life conditions, I now feel qualified to bring you a mini product review that might help influence your future buying decisions, whether it be for yourself, a friend or someone you don’t like who you’d love to have fiery pits.

The name of this product is...fairly fiddly to work out because there is a ton of writing on the front of the aerosol - some of it name, some of it blurb, most of it bollocks. It’s definitely made by Right Guard though and I think the name is “Total Defence 5, Cool, 48H”.

It describes itself as a “High-performance anti-perspirant deodorant” and now has “30% more protection power”. Whilst it’s no substitute for more traditional methods, it would undoubtedly offer effective protection against pregnancy and other, less serious STIs - one spray of this on the little fella and it won’t be getting up to any mischief for quite a while.

Performance wise, it does do the trick. I had a normal day in the office where everything was fine.

But walking home was more of a challenge because it was very warm, so I was sweating like Julian Assange on his way to court. Whilst it didn’t prevent perspiration like I guess its supposed to, it did keep everything from reeking of whatever toxic substance I happened to be secreting this day.

So, reading this, you might think it does what it says on the tin and therefore is worth trying (it’s on offer in some supermarkets right now). Well, I’ve saved the worst until last, although you notice this drawback as soon as you start using it: the fragrance.

Boy oh boy it’s not good. It is very reminiscent of the little blue cubes you get in gentleman’s urinals. So although it doesn’t smell of poo itself, it does trigger the very same olfactory receptor memory that you get from being in a Gents, meaning that it smells of poo by association.

I guess “Cool” is a more attractive name to market than “Poo by Proxy”, but it’s far less accurate.

I could only recommend this if you think that the lady of your dreams likes the smell of disinfectant, or if you suspect there’s a chance that someone might try and use your armpit as a urinal.

Guy’s if you’re reading this now thinking, ‘oh flipping heck, I use this all the time and he’s just basically said I smell like a toilet’, I offer no apology. Move on to something else and see how many ladies you get hovering around you now instead of flies.

If your current squeeze actually likes you wearing this, dump her now - even if you’ve been married for many years. She’s probably just saying she likes it to keep all the other bees from yo’ honey, whilst she’s off being a floozy with, let’s be honest, more than one man at a time. Don’t let her trap you like this, escape whilst you can!


One final thing before you go. If you like my blog posts (let’s face it, where else could you go to find a review of a ropey deodorant that also doubles as a marriage guidance post?) please take a minute to click on an advert or two that are roundabout here somewhere.

They should offer you amazing products and services tailored to your needs, based on your previous web browsing. If one of them is a link to Big Black Cocks dot com, you really need to ask yourself some questions. And don’t think for a minute that anyone will believe you were actually looking for large, dark chickens.